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Danger: Void Behind Door

Writing by Matt Haynes

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Whiteboard

Danger: Void Behind Door

The whiteboard at Southgate station says services are normal on all lines except the Central; on the Central, it says, they are good.

Proto-Punk

Danger: Void Behind Door

“He’s asked me to sing in a proto-punk band,” said the man in the suit on the phone in the sun on Piccadilly. “I don’t even know what that means.”

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Sifted by Ilk

  • Fiction
  • Non-Fiction
  • London
  • South East London
  • London in 30 Words
  • Smoke A London Peculiar
  • Transport
  • Politics
  • Poems and Parodies

“See you tomorrow, love,” says the barmaid, blustering out into the E10 afternoon. He nods, Wetherspoons pie half-eaten, coat still buttoned against the cold he feels much more these days.

Serendipity Doo-Dahs

Queue Here For Theresienstadt

A trip to Prague, and how the human soul has been replaced by a 64GB memory card.

Paddington Chews It Off

Why brown bears don't make good housemates and Judy Brown has no use for oven gloves.

The Dolly Parton High-Wire Act

In much the same way that the Shin-Hotaka Ropeway in Takayama takes those with a head for heights up the third-tallest peak in Japan, London's new cable car will take people from Newham to a car park near North Greenwich station.

A Public Disservice

In which I am forced to bribe an elderly man in Wolverhampton with a spongey dessert in order to demonstrate to Richard Branson that trains are not planes and that you only need choice if the system has failed.

A Riot Of Their Own

How I had my faith in human nature restored by the people of Sidcup and why toddlers and anarchists should neither be given Sunny Delight nor put in charge of the Northern Line.

Anti-Zizzi, Anti-Pasti

Protests regarding the plethora of new chain restaurants at Greenwich pierhead stall when fossil records show that chickens first emerged on the small Greek island of Nandos.

The Ecstasy of Michael Gove

I stare bleakly into the abyss and wonder whether the election of Boris Johnson is all my fault (it's not, it's all yours).

The New Romantic Luge

Hackney's lost ski-slope, and how Boy George nearly brought Duran Duran’s career to a premature end when, clutching a garish mojito, he hurtled down the dendix piste using Simon le Bon as a toboggan.

Henry’s Plinth

Henry Moore's sculpture returns to Greenwich Park just after I've made lots of fuss about nothing to impress a French girl.

Eton Mess

How I was abducted by aliens from South Harrow station and had the true nature of Boris Johnson revealed to me after being forced to mate against my wishes.

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