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Danger: Void Behind Door

Writing by Matt Haynes

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Danger: Void Behind Door

Danger: Void Behind Door

A brief rumination on the fickleness of both women and space-time, and the possibility that access to some sort of infinite primordial darkness can be gained from the southbound Bakerloo Line platform at Waterloo.

Boris Johnson versus Dean Cox

Danger: Void Behind Door

A melancholy reflection on whether baklavas, beer, aubergine rasavangy and an 82nd-minute equaliser at Brisbane Road can ever compensate for the existence of Boris Johnson.

Paddington Chews It Off

Danger: Void Behind Door

Why brown bears don’t make good housemates and Judy Brown has no use for oven gloves.

Threnody on the Suicide of a Parking Meter in Dagenham Brook, E10

Danger: Void Behind Door

O dark devourer of the driver’s coin,
what broken dreams was this leap meant to fix?
What hope-denuded skyline did enjoin
you to cast off on this East London Styx?

The New Romantic Luge

Danger: Void Behind Door

Hackney’s lost ski-slope, and how Boy George nearly brought Duran Duran’s career to a premature end when, clutching a garish mojito, he hurtled down the dendix piste using Simon le Bon as a toboggan.

Threnody on the Death of a Street Lamp on Lollard Street, SE11

Danger: Void Behind Door

O noble lantern ’neath whose kindly fire
my love and I did oft together lark,
our bodies, lust-engorged, ’twined in desire –
why hast thou gone and left us in the dark?

Iain and Will have a Cup of Tea

Danger: Void Behind Door

Two disconsolate psychogeographers reflect on how some of the ley lines that were dug up to build the Basketball Arena for the 2012 Olympics had been there since the days of King Lud.

Kensal Rise, Early In The Morning

Danger: Void Behind Door

A driver on the last remaining Routemaster service, the 159 from Marble Arch to Streatham, reflects on the relative inflexibility of women and buses.

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Sifted by Ilk

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  • Poems and Parodies

“I will always love you,” he bellows as he wheels his cleaning cart down Gresham Street, trousers too short, grey hair almost gone, iPod clearly turned up to the max.

Serendipity Doo-Dahs

The Spherical Love of French Teenagers

An unwelcome discovery on the meridian line makes me question whether padlocks have any role in a loving relationship.

A Higher Evil

Are independent bookshops their own worst enemy, or just my own worst enemy?

We Need To Talk About Neddy

A five-year-old labrador that was swept up in the excitement of the 2011 London riots lives to regret looting Primark.

Barney’s Only Disruptive Because He’s Bored…

After a surveyor’s report says that the social cost of levelling the playing fields of Eton might be incompatible with Tory spending plans, David Cameron tells a bright kid from the Walworth Road not to throw his knife and hoodie away just yet.

Excuse me, miss, I bought this Jedi here last week, and it doesn’t work

Why the lack of recent postings cannot be blamed entirely on the inverse square law of gravitation and also definitely not on dragons.

The Peckham Panama

How a vision of cauliflowers being ferried from Epsom to Rotherhithe led to the construction of the (Not Particularly) Grand Surrey Canal and eventually Burgess Park.

The World Comes To Deptford

The world's largest cruise liner visits Deptford but refuses to tell anyone.

London Prepares

The 2011 London riots: while Tottenham is in flames, Chipping Norton is in Oxfordshire.

Tory Tourette’s

A night with Chris Addison causes me to wonder whether the world would truly be a better place if George Osborne got a job in Dixons.

Helena Bonham Carter and the Thirty-Foot Elephant

How Josephine's coquettish suggestion that Napoleon surprise her with something long and wrinkly led to a giant elephant being installed in the Place de la Bastille.

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